Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Diary of Glass: Entry 4

If I ever leave one piece of me on this planet, one nugget of wisdom, it is this...

"I am not crazy, I am just lonely."

Something I found out this week, officially. Been feeling out of my skin for a few months, like what I am doing and where am I going and who is going with me. A lot of questions, basically going out of my mind for the most part, which sucks, not a good place to be in. If you've follow me on Twitter, you may have seen some late night rants, tweets about my own fears and insecurities, which are there and trust me they are real. There's so much that just doesn't make sense to me, and I need some answers, I need something or someone to make it all make sense. I think we all do. This project, this blog as well, it has helped me in trying to make sense of all this insanity within my head. But according to my doctor, this happens to artist, this is a challenge. I mean this is the thing that will make me or well it will break me. 

The Glass Prison while being a very personal project, it is also the only thing I ever wanted to do. Tell stories and create worlds and characters, bring them all to life and share it with millions and millions of different people across the globe. I want to create for a living, I want to make comics, I want to bring them to life on movie theatres or video games. I want to be an empire, I want to make money, I want to be known. There are no other options for me, this is all I know how to do and it's what I love. And sure, you can look at this and call me out for being too ambitious, head in the clouds, aiming high or just not realistic, but why settle for less? Why tell yourself that it's not possible? I want this and I am going to get it, come hell or high water. 

That being said, all of this process, the creating and the hours of work, it gets lonely here. 

And that's just the way it is, atleast for me and a lot of other creators, except those lucky ones who have found a partner, hold on to them tight. Anyone who is willing to put up with a creator or an artist is an absolute gem of a person and should be praised. I look at myself and I see a guy who is impossible. I am a 27 year old, Pansexual, male who is out of shape and looks like he hasn't slept in days, spends most of his free time in art, creating worlds of demons and stories of mental disorder, a super geek who loves to collect comic books and video games but is also a big fan of hockey and wrestling, a passionate fan of music in general and has an appreciation for fashion. On paper, I don't make any sense, by all laws I shouldn't even exist. So how the hell can I expect anyone to understand that? Maybe I can't, maybe I am not meant to. For everything that I want to be, maybe being a father or a husband or even a boyfriend, just isn't in the stars for me. But one thing I have been many a times is wrong.

Tomorrow, this could all change. I don't know what tomorrow brings, tomorrow could be the start of a new story, of a new adventure and of a new meeting. For all I know, tomorrow could be the day I find Mrs or Mr Right. And you know what, maybe they're just a strange as me on paper or even stranger. Anything is possible, and that is the most exciting thing about tomorrow, that anything is possible. 

So while this will be the hardest, most difficult month of my life, I am ready for it. I know I can do this, I know I am not alone, because I feel the love, friendship and guidance from all my friends and family. This book would be impossible without all of you, and I love you all for it. 

So do the impossible as well and I will see you at the top, keep chasing the storm.