Tuesday, 14 February 2017

The Thing About Love...

Hello friends.

Well it is here, one of the most dreaded holidays, I would even say possibly the most dreaded holiday celebrated here in North America. It is Valentine's Day. A day built on expectations. What you need to do if you are with someone and how you should feel if you are alone. But that is the thing about expectations, you don't need them. I wanted to write to you today, because I know what you might be going through if you are indeed alone this time of year, what you might be feeling. And if I can help you feel just a little bit less lonely, well it would help me out as well.

This year, by societies standards, I am alone. But here is the thing, while I might be on my own today, I know I am loved and I have been loved. And that is something no one can take away from me and they sure as hell can't take it from you. I have some incredible people in my life, I am truly blessed, just on my last post friends wanted to make sure I was alright and let me know they are there for me. I also have an incredible family that while is scattered through out the world in South America, Asia and here in Canada, I know they love me and are always making sure to stay in touch. It would be stupid and ungrateful of me if I didn't recognise all the love in my life, and I know it is hard at times but you need to see and feel all the love around you. 

It's also important to understand the importance of self. In this life you need to be the best you that you can be if you want to share your life with someone, mentally and physically. If I have learned anything from relationships, it's not about doing everything you can so you can stay together. I do mean that you should be the best partner you can be for your loved one, of course, but I think it's about being strong enough in your life with or without that someone by your side. It's never easy to say goodbye or to let a beautiful union go, but the love that was there is something that will always be there. I've been really lucky in my life, I've had some really incredible relationships with some incredible girls, who have grown to be even greater women. And I am really happy to see them living a life filled with joy and surrounded by love as well. And I will be the first to say, nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends and family find true love with an awesome partner, I am a sucker for true love. It's the Disney princess part of my mind for sure, but it's a part of me. 

Do I want to find true love? Well, I've already found it. What I need to find now is a peace of mind, I need to find the man that I am going to be and what I am going to for the world of tomorrow, what role will I play? Because take it from me, you are not a pawn in this game. So aim for the throne, become a queen or be the loyal knight. Whatever you choose to be, go forward with love inside your heart. Thanks for reading friends, until then keep chasing the storm. <3 

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Depression, my monkey...

Hello friends.

It's been awhile since I've written one of these. Especially one that I completely break down all my walls and express myself for a few paragraphs. I hope you get the chance to read this, that would be nice and maybe you get to feel better from this as well, maybe this can help you. Lord knows I could use some help right about now. That is always the hardest part really, getting help. I think it's our nature to associate help with weakness. A lot of times I know I would use alcohol, drugs and especially sex as a form of help. But honestly, I think sometimes it makes it worst. When you don't have the vice of choice, you start to lose your mind even more and more. It's a dark path, and one that I can't go down on again. I am not okay and yes, I need help.

The worst part of all this is really it is my fault for not taking care of my mind in 2016, I didn't seek any professional help in the entire year. And I've been away from a lot of friends and my family, I've felt pretty isolated in a place I decided to move out to, the price of independence and all. I wasn't healthy enough to start a relationship with another person, I sure as hell wasn't ready for when it all came to an end. I am not okay, I am a sick depressed individual who needs to be loved, feel loved and feel wanted. I am not comfortable with my own solitude, and ironically I spend most of my time alone and disconnected. I am doing my best as anyone with depression knows to make face, at work and in public. I don't want to worry my family and friends, at the same time I don't think anyone really understands. And this is part of the sickness, because I am very well aware of all my friends who are fighting their own mental health battles, anxiety and depression and many others. Some are braver than me and post online and make videos talking about it, I don't think I am important enough to do that. Until now that is, I am writing this and trying to reach out to someone, to something. I am not posting this on Facebook though, I haven't logged on in over a month and I don't want to log back in, because f*ck does it hurt to see happy people, beautiful people, perfect people. I can't do it, it hurts way too much.

But if you want to share this, by all means. If it is something you feel strongly about and think others should read, well kudos and thanks. I think if we can talk about this, it would be great. If you feel like this and wanted someone to talk to, I want to be there for you.

I am gonna use this blog to talk to you more, about me and well everything that is wrong with me. I am going seek help, I am going to take care of myself and focus on being the best me I can be. It's not going to be easy, everyday I wake up will be a victory and it should be for you as well. I know I am the only overly emotional f*cker with depression, I am just sharing my story and you should share yours as well. Because we don't hear this too often, but I want to hear your story. I want to know how you are doing and what do you do to stay out of the deep waters of mental health. So expect many more of these kind of posts, I will keep you in touch.

Until then my friends, keep chasing the storm.