Sunday, 12 February 2017

Depression, my monkey...

Hello friends.


It's been awhile since I've written one of these. Especially one that I completely break down all my walls and express myself for a few paragraphs. I hope you get the chance to read this, that would be nice and maybe you get to feel better from this as well, maybe this can help you. Lord knows I could use some help right about now. That is always the hardest part really, getting help. I think it's our nature to associate help with weakness. A lot of times I know I would use alcohol, drugs and especially sex as a form of help. But honestly, I think sometimes it makes it worst. When you don't have the vice of choice, you start to lose your mind even more and more. It's a dark path, and one that I can't go down on again. I am not okay and yes, I need help.

The worst part of all this is really it is my fault for not taking care of my mind in 2016, I didn't seek any professional help in the entire year. And I've been away from a lot of friends and my family, I've felt pretty isolated in a place I decided to move out to, the price of independence and all. I wasn't healthy enough to start a relationship with another person, I sure as hell wasn't ready for when it all came to an end. I am not okay, I am a sick depressed individual who needs to be loved, feel loved and feel wanted. I am not comfortable with my own solitude, and ironically I spend most of my time alone and disconnected. I am doing my best as anyone with depression knows to make face, at work and in public. I don't want to worry my family and friends, at the same time I don't think anyone really understands. And this is part of the sickness, because I am very well aware of all my friends who are fighting their own mental health battles, anxiety and depression and many others. Some are braver than me and post online and make videos talking about it, I don't think I am important enough to do that. Until now that is, I am writing this and trying to reach out to someone, to something. I am not posting this on Facebook though, I haven't logged on in over a month and I don't want to log back in, because f*ck does it hurt to see happy people, beautiful people, perfect people. I can't do it, it hurts way too much.

But if you want to share this, by all means. If it is something you feel strongly about and think others should read, well kudos and thanks. I think if we can talk about this, it would be great. If you feel like this and wanted someone to talk to, I want to be there for you.

I am gonna use this blog to talk to you more, about me and well everything that is wrong with me. I am going seek help, I am going to take care of myself and focus on being the best me I can be. It's not going to be easy, everyday I wake up will be a victory and it should be for you as well. I know I am the only overly emotional f*cker with depression, I am just sharing my story and you should share yours as well. Because we don't hear this too often, but I want to hear your story. I want to know how you are doing and what do you do to stay out of the deep waters of mental health. So expect many more of these kind of posts, I will keep you in touch.

Until then my friends, keep chasing the storm.