Thoughts on a Train: Self

Who are you?

It is such a simple yet complex question when you really think about it. And this separates champions and challengers, the champions are the ones who walked into the labyrinth of self and emerged victorious.

But perhaps also there are challengers who stepped in and got lost. Still lost and trying to find the answers.

I was thinking about this last night, identity. Are we who we think we are or the sum of others? What happens when those two are different answer; maybe you aren’t as kind as you think you are or maybe you dislike social interactions and you come off as cold.

But how would you define yourself?

I want to know what is my core and rewire myself to be better. I think that has always been a staple in my own narrative, to be better.

My art has to be better.

Physically I need to be better.

Mentally. Educated. Manners. Rituals. I have to be better.

Is this the evolution of self loathing or just a mask?

But what do you think friends? I would love to hear some thoughts and takes on this dilemma. I am going to continue to work hard each day to improve in every way I can.

Stop Running...

What are you running from?

Who are you running from? 

Is this considered running or hiding? Does it even matter? 

Just thinking out loud. Figured I needed to get back into writing and this is the only way that makes any sense to me. But bare in mind, nothing really ever makes sense, not in my head. I am getting annoyed at myself, a lot more so these days than usual. The idea machine, that is what I have become and it is absolutely useless because I haven't been able to take any action on my ideas. I keep making more and more and more; but with no execution. And that is on me. I could blame the world around me, the systems that look to control our actions and behaviors more and more each day or I can just be honest, look at myself in the mirror. I did this by not doing.

Am I distracted? Disjointed? Derailed? 

I don't know for sure, I actually think the answer is all three. But also the solution is right here as well. I need to write more, I need to write everyday. Easier said than done, I know this because I have tried and failed. But I owe this to my good friend and brother, Jake. Man comes to visit from BC and completely fixes my computer tower back to life. Poor old thing was on the brink of death and was way overdue for an update. I have no excuses now. 

I need to do this now, now more than ever. This week at work I have come to terms with aging, my back is starting to give out. I am going to do my best to stay in shape, take care of posture and most importantly make the most of my time. I have to be better at this. My job is a physical job with heavy lifting that I can't do for more than a year or two. I want to pursue my goals and my own ambitions, it is all that matters. And so I need to remind myself every day and night what I am meant to do, prove it to myself. I have no excuses.

I want to bring my characters, my stories, my worlds to life. 

That is all that is left. I don't know what else I am on this planet for if not bringing my vision to life. And maybe this will all be in vain and fall on deaf ears, but I won't know unless I try. And fail. And try again. And fail. And try again. Again. And again. Until I can't hold a pencil or type a word out, on my deaths bed. No excuses.

If I can do it my dear friend, so can you. 

Can you help me stay sharp? 

Thank you.

It's All in my Head...

Hello friends,

I think I had a mental collapse last night. I don't do well with accusations or with hatred, I always take someone else's hatred personally. Why? I don't know. It gets to me though and I sink into darkness, it doesn't help being alone or having your family tell you these wonderful little gems...

"You don't have depression, get over it."

"Grow up."

"Your too old to have depression."

If you are reading this, please, never deny help to a friend or a family member. Mental health is real, just cause your parents or their parents didn't come to term with their own mental health problems, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And don't tell someone that nothing is wrong with them, you don't know and so you shouldn't say anything. Listen and reach out to help however you can, don't make them feel alone. I know one thing for sure, I need to get more help and see my therapist as well. 

I really hope to be stronger, maybe tomorrow or maybe a month from now or possibly a decade from now, but I just want to be a mentally stronger person. I think I can get there through my work, reaching out to others in the world and trying to change the way we see things. 

Thank you friends, thank you for everything you've done for me. And for you, I will be better and I will be stronger. 

Try Hard Die Hard

I am just going to open up with saying that Bruce Willis will not be the topic of today's blog. Although I think we can all agree that the first three Die Hard films were pretty awesome action movies, worth watching if you haven't seen them yet. No, today I wanted to ask you to think about this, what does winning mean to you? And I am asking on every possible level, how badly do you need to be the very best...like no one ever was. And yes, that was a Pokemon reference. But I want to talk today about our desire to win, to be champions and to be the best at everything. And I think most geeks experience this on a daily basis. How many achievements do you have? Did you catch them all? Did you win that tournament? What rank are you? What level is your team? But you get the idea. We aren't allowed to enjoy things anymore. No, we have to win. I guess I want to understand the theory of the carrot, why does it have to be involved with everything we do now in days...? 

Take it from me, time is short. Every day we only have so many hours to do whatever it is we want to do and well everything that we need to do as well, be that work or school or family. And then consider all the things you do because you want to do them, like playing your favorite online computer game or going to the local card shop for a game of Commander Magic. When you are done, are you satisfied at all? Well you should be, win or lose. But holy dead Jason Todd to we have people that really want to win and completely ruin the experience. Maybe this is me realizing that family, friends, partner and career are much more important than a weekly Friday Night Magic result or trying to collect every single Pokemon. I am not going to be a League of Legends champion anytime soon, and that is totally awesome. I think what I am trying to say here is, let's try to enjoy the experience. If we all try to be champions, this world is going to be filled with a whole lot of salt and resentments. Who cares about completing every single game achievement on your Xbox One, will you be awarded a purple heart and have a parade? Probably not. All these imaginary brass rings are presented to distract you from the bigger picture, that is you, What are you going to be in this world? 

That being said, if you truly feel and know that your goal is to be a champion in some video game or card game, all power to you. I mean Adam Copeland (WWE`s Edge) always wanted to be a WWE Champion and he did it. You focus on your goals, you give everything you have and you become the person that you know you are. But if like me you are an artist or a writer or anyone who isn`t making a living off gaming tournaments, try this and just don`t give a f*ck. Enjoy the time off and the hobby itself. Aim to win, but aim to have a great time and remember why you love whatever it is you love. It`s okay to lose, just don`t lose human dignity in your climb to the top of the mountain. I have seen Rock Paper Scissors tournaments, don`t mess with them tossers. 

Keep chasing the storm.